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The Seven Year Itch
The seven-year itch is real. It doesn’t always land at exactly seven years, and men don’t always have flings with Marilyn Monroe, but the principle is true. The theory is that after about 7 or 8 or 9...
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Baby Blue
I went into all this infertility stuff with a wide-open heart. N and I had just gotten back together after being separated for a year, and – being more in love than ever – I felt armed and ready for …...
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Down Dog, Up Dog
After my second IVF, I got mad at my body. After years and years of taking amazing care of it, I was repaid with infertility at an unreasonably early age. I felt betrayed that my body would do this to...
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Un(en)titled
I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve my infertility or the years I spent struggling with the most complex grief I’ve ever known. God knows, there are worse tragedies in the world, but there’s...
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Venngina Monologues
Everyone is telling me that using an egg donor for my IVF is almost no different from using my own egg. Their arguments go like this: Friends: You’re going to be the one to carry it for 9 months....
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Case Study: Me
I’ve blogged about my theory that egg donation is not that different from adoption, and I’ve blogged about my negative feelings about adoption, and yet, I’m trying to adopt an egg. What gives? Turns...
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Sophie’s Choice, Reprise
I’ve been working hard to wrap my head around the ins-and-outs of what it’ll mean to raise a child that isn’t genetically my own. There are a lot of layers to it, especially since my discomfort stems...
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The Psychology of Transference
Here are my clinic’s statistics for taking home an egg donor baby (different from becoming pregnant, of course, which doesn’t always yield a baby). Transferring 1 embryo = 70% Transferring 2 embryos =...
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Charades
When I search for a donor, I look for something of myself in her, but I’ve never understood why. What’s the point? Am I trying to fool myself? I’ve been asking myself these questions for weeks,...
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My Biological Clock Has One Hand Clapping. Sometimes.
So, I got caught in an undertow of grief the other day. I could try to defend myself by saying that I freaked out because my estrogen level is 2500 instead of the normal 150, but I’d rather just accept...
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Pee Antipathy
Wednesday, June 20 – 8dt5dt. I peed on another stick this morning, and the line was darker than yesterday’s, so I went back to bed and cried. The line was darker, which means I’m probably really...
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Alpha Beta
This morning’s result was 17.47. This is super low by beta standards since most providers consider anything below 50 to be negative, but when I urged my nurse to lay it out for me doomsday style, she...
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O, Me of Little Faith
My parents got married in 1970 and divorced in 1980. Then they got remarried in 1990 and divorced again in 2008. And then last year, they got re-remarried. This time it’s different, though. This time...
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Nightmare on Elmo Street
I’ve been having baby dreams. Three in a row. Not good ones. In the first, I give birth to a baby, but because she was conceived by egg donation, she isn’t legally mine, and in order to file for...
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Future Perfect Tense
I’ve always felt there was something eerie about the state of transition, and in trying to put my finger on it, I realized: it’s not transition that I’m experiencing. It’s suspension. Suspension of...
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Archetype Casting
For 2012, I had three new year’s resolutions: to do more crosswords, to breathe, and to focus more on integrity than on goal-setting. I only succeeded insofar as I’m still breathing. Because I tend to...
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Therapy is Stupid
It’s been months, and I still can’t say it. I can say, “I’m,” and I can say, “pregnant,” but so far I haven’t managed to say them in sequence. Instead I default to, “I’m 14 weeks.” Or to close friends...
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Battle of Wills
Here’s a light-hearted query: who raises the kid if we both die? Well, if we can hold off for a dozen or so years, then our friend JB would be perfect. I trust his values, his parenting skills, and his...
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You Came Out of My Vagina
You came out of my vagina, but that’s not when our story began. Seven months before you came out of my vagina, I got a positive pregnancy test on the day my grandmother died, and I hoped this time I...
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Eat, Play, Love
Eat. I have video footage of my baby crying while nursing my left tit because I have almost no milk. She had better luck on the right, but not much. I won’t go into the details of how awful...
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